


Hold on

by magpie_03



Series: Down the mountain range of my left-side brain [6]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Chronic Illness, Depression, Epilepsy, Explicit Language, Fluff, Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph One Shot, M/M, Sad Fluff, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-03 17:54:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14001435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magpie_03/pseuds/magpie_03
Summary: This is basically just fluff because I needed to write something to cheer myself up.





	Hold on

A Saturday morning. Tyler wakes up early to the sound of his phone reminding him to take his meds. It was Josh's idea (as usual) and as much as Tyler resisted the idea at first it helped. Even with a dying battery and the new iOS 11 the phone was still more reliable than his brain.

_9 AM: Time for your meds  
_

Tyler quickly swallows the pills and settles back under the sheets. This could be the start of a Joshler fic (with bonus points for the occasional smut) if it wasn't for Tyler or, to be more specific, Tyler's brain. The recent increase in his Keppra dosage had brought a new and unpleasant side effect, one his neurologist hadn't warned him about (because no one ever warns you about these things): the drug had killed his libido. Which was ironic, thinking that the pills still hadn't managed to shut down the part of his brain that was responsible for the seizures but the part that was reponsible for sex  - and not just the sex as such but everything that had to do with it, from the mere sensation of feeling attracted to someone to the neurological and physical logistics of being turned on -  was gone. Talk about butterflies in your stomach when your brain feels like it's been hit with a brick. And what didn't seem like a problem for Josh dragged Tyler down. Josh was never impatient or demanding even though Tyler could see the longing in the way Josh would look at him when he undressed to get ready for bed, could feel it underneath Josh's fingertips touching him, his body, the parts that no longer worked. He could feel it and had nothing to offer in return, nothing other than fear and shame. He was scared that there was a clock ticking in the background, counting off the days until Josh had enough and would leave. Ashamed of a body and a brain that failed him, again. Ashamed that Josh still wanted him even though he's seen him at his worst. Talk about feeling attractive when you're peeing and shitting your pants in front of your significant other. Ashamed that he couldn't give anything back, that the only thing he could only offer was a body that was 23 and felt like 150. A body he felt fundamentally disconnected from. Tyler felt like his _grandfather_ (and even his grandfather had probably a more active sex life than he did). He thought about lowering his dosage or skipping a dose altogether just so he can finally take his affection and transform it into intimacy. But he doesn't because sex is a known seizure trigger and the last thing he wanted to have was a grand mal seizure in the middle of something that was supposed to be exciting and fun. So he continues to swallow the pills while the twist inside his stomach turns from guilt into anger. What were the scientists afraid of, the ones that had developed the drug? An army of sex-crazed epileptics fucking their brains out? He didn't know, he didn't have the answers. He just had this moment, right here: a tired brain, a Saturday morning, a warm bed. _Josh._

Josh stirs in his sleep. He'd come back late last night from a shift at the store. They had Chinese takeout and watched a movie together like every night because every night was movie night for them. Josh had fallen asleep after half an hour. It all felt so peaceful then, Josh leaning against his shoulder and snoring snoftly. Things felt so easy, so stupidly easy, like pretending they're just another normal couple that argues about the water bill and watches movies together. The last thing was true - they watched a lot of movies together because Tyler didn't go out much. Which was to say: he didn't go out at all. There were things that made events inaccessible for him: flashing lights, lots of alcohol, and this new, enormous fear of places and people that only got worse the more he stayed inside. He knew that Josh would be out and about a lot more if it weren't for Tyler. Hell, even Tyler's siblings had a more vibrant social life than he, he saw it on their social media all the time (and sometimes he wondered if their parents let them get away with so much because he'd gotten sick as a teenager and hadn't really tested any boundaries during puberty other than the boundary of what his body could endure without falling apart). Josh stayed home with him anyway. It was a kindness Tyler couldn't accept, couldn't agree on without hating himself. He was scared that he wasn't enough, that it wasn't enough, cuddling and watching movies night after night after night. He was scared of robbing Josh of the potential of what he could become without him. Because that's what Tyler did: he imagined a world without him. Which wasn't a world without Josh because Josh would find someone else. Someone healthy, someone who could give him all the things he couldn't.

He leans back in his pillow. He could already feel a wave of nausea hit him because he'd taken the Keppra on an empty stomach and that was always a mistake. His body just couldn't stomach the drug, it tasted like vomit and felt like poison. Sometimes the nausea would turn into an aura, something he had learned the hard way after _a lot_ of morning seizures where he woke up into the aura and he instantly knew that the day was gone, that his brain wouldn't make a smooth transition between being asleep and being awake today, that he'd be lost inbetween, stuck in a body that simply couldn't carry the weight of his life on its shoulders anymore.

Tyler closes his eyes and shakes his head as if to shake his thoughts, his biochemistry back into submission.

_Shut up. Shut up._

The light in Josh's apartment is crisp and golden, like a ripe apple. He squints his eyes. He feels weightless, like he's floating through the air. Defying the law of physics, or luck, or whatever it was that kept him alive.

Tyler rests his cheek on Josh's chest. Josh smells like Saturday, like sleep and sunshine. His chest is rising and falling, rising and falling. Like the waves of an ocean that roared deep inside Tyler's mind. The all too-familiar sting behind his eyes, the salt that made his thoughts and everything around him crumble. Feeling thankful for everything that he had despite everything that had happened was a struggle. How was he supposed to think he's going to be okay, it's all going to be okay when being alive felt like he was building sand castles with his back to the sea while the tide was way out. Which didn't mean he was going to be okay - it meant that the water was going to come back, it was going to come back and fuck him right up, no matter how tightly he held on to his life. To the sand in his hand.

_Fear no more._

_Fear no more._

Josh's heartbeat is calm, regular and steady, thanks to the many hours he spent at the gym. Nothing compared to Tyler who'd gotten more and more palpitations which may or may not caused by his medication. He lacked the motivation to do anything good for his body and feared further medical problems as the root of it all, both of which kept him from going to the doctor and reporting, like the good foot soldier he was supposed to be. He was just so tired. Tired of always having to be hypervigilant around his body, checking in how he was doing, how he was feeling. Tired of always having to man the ship when he felt like such a shipwreck. He was tired of fighting and not knowing which side he was on, body, brain or mind. He just wanted a life that didn't feel frayed at the edges, that didn't feel like it's going to be washed up at the shore, a lump of bones even the sea couldn't swallow. He wanted to feel thankful for being alive.

A whirlwind of pink hair moves.

"You're okay?"

Which was Josh's way of checking in, not neccessarily because there was a problem (something Tyler had to learn and accept, too) but just to see how he was doing. Tyler nods into Josh's chest, not looking up. 

Josh takes his hand and rubs his thumb over his palm. A movement that was ladden with meaning and memory for both of them. It helped Tyler to come back to himself, to his body. To be present. In the moment.

"You?"

"'course."

_Let yourself be held if you cannot hold yourself._

_Forgive yourself quietly if you can't find the words._

Tyler nestles back against Josh's warm body. The tide was way out and the water was going to come back, but not now, not in this moment.

**Author's Note:**

> well that turned out to be way more emotional than I intended it to be.


End file.
